Entry Five: I Could Do That


I was sitting in a red round faux leather bound chair mesmerized by the lights of the penny, fruit, and classic slot machines whirring around the smoke filled room. The pink, white, and yellow blurred my vision as I spun on the chairs’ silver metal base; my ears bombarded with bells and dings beckoning patrons to put in a $1. For some reason I was here at the Indian casino near Newkirk, Oklahoma, every money voucher I print with less and less cash. I took a swig of my red punch I got from the table near the back of the casino. I felt my teeth indenting the Styrofoam while I peered over the top at my Pink Panther themed loyalty slot machine.

The idea was the longer I played the more chances I had at winning. No question as to why it’s called a “loyalty” slot; I had been hypnotized by the tall lean panther, repeatedly walking back and forth for damn near 20 minutes trying to line up the bombs, Q’s, and J’s. I peered over my cup again and scanned the room like a lifeguard. The panther took the occasional pause to prop his pink leg on the edge of the screen, seeming impatient like myself. The loud noise put me on edge, high alert. Who did I come here with? I asked myself, now aware that I haven’t been to Native Lights Casino in at least eight years.

The reason for that is I am an admittedly terrible gambler, my reasoning for avoiding casinos. Betting on chance is my least favorite thing to do. It felt empty and eerie to be there; I breathed in the second hand smoke and shifted uncomfortably. Why haven’t I left yet? I realized now that there must be a reason I was there. I sipped the red punch again, chilled by the high fructose corn syrup coating my molars. My scene continued on an endless loop when suddenly I saw it.

He came around the corner adjusting his familiar silver belt buckle with his family’s crest. His button nose sat pretty on top of his grin, his grey polo tucked into his jeans. The lights reflected off his cheek as he strode to accompany me. Big🐗Bear🌵🌟 sat to my right smiling though when I looked up from my cup to greet his eyes, my scene disappeared. The cup and casino were gone.


The morning sun flooded into the bedroom onto the cold granite floor. His tacky camouflage bed sheets underneath our cheeks, our noses almost touching. The chilled breeze from the fan made me appreciate the warmth of his skin on mine. Awoken by the light, we paused to look at one another silently.

Imagine how he feels looking in my eyes the way he does…

Hmm… it will always seem to be a mystery. Those thoughts that don’t merit a possibility of breaking the surface yet. Those things I feel… I only have half the nerve to even write them down. Those things that I feel for 🐗Big🌵Bear🌟frighten me to say the least. I have obviously always been 100% wrong with men, (hence why I’m single now), so I think I should take this with a grain of salt.

But…. Man. Mannn oh man. I wonder. Ya know? What’s he thinking behind those eyes of his? The way he looks at me sometimes. So deeply. As if he could see so far into your soul you panic and dash to break your gaze, but you’re afraid of the consequences! So you maintain face, forcing yourself to remain emotionless. And you stare back, because he would know everything if you didn’t. Just like that! ☝

Everything. He wins. 🎖🏅🏆

And how irrational is that?

I find myself wanting to give over to the other side of me. A woman who craves nothing but the chemistry we seem to be bursting with, but how long will that last? There’s always a point in time. That point where my creativity becomes an annoyance, my stupid jokes are ignored. My ex told me once I wasn’t even worth coming home to. That cuts deep, maybe I don’t see the light. I know it’s there, but I’ve never been a gambling woman. To take a chance with this guy signifies a vulnerability, but he makes it so easy… So easy to want him. I’m betting all my money on five pink panthers in a row like it’s the right thing to do.

I am sure he wonders the same thing. What is she thinking? I know he is captivated by me. My dark eyes have no bottom, that’s what my gaze means. He could have all of me, anything of me; my mind, body, and soul. I trust him to take it. I feel that safety, the willingness to give myself to him. I don’t even think twice about it!!💥 Boom 💥 Just go!! It’s a raging desire I feel sometimes when he looks at me… Those few seconds that stretch into forever…. What do you call that?

I could be here forever I think. I could wake up by this hairy chest everyday. I could let these hazel green eyes know my deepest secrets. I could believe every word he ever spoke, knowing he wouldn’t lead me astray. I could follow him. A soul I knew better than to let slip by, I want to hold onto it. Save me! I plead. Take me from this life. Let us live this life together, let us not be alone anymore. 



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