Entry 19: You Aren’t Easy

I sit here on my toilet scrolling through all these bullshit apps. I suppose I am hoping to come across something that is worthwhile enough to give me two seconds of gratitude.

I’m pissed really.

Well, I’m telling myself I am pissed. Stuck wondering what my next move should be, or maybe there is no call for moves at all. Maybe the only moves that matter are:

(1) The flushing of the shit down the toilet.

(2) The walk to the laundry room, put those fucking jeans in the dryer and get it done.

(3) Resurface that fucking wooden table in the dining.

(4) Soak that fucking pig skeleton so you can return it to that lying fuck and give a fake smile as you walk out the door, while making the empty promise that I will “see y’all around”.

Spent so much time appreciating other people I didn’t appreciate myself. Show yourself your own appreciation by progressing. Am I not progressing? I realized I was a rebound only a couple weeks ago after being 6 months into a relationship. How shitty is that?

He ruins my mood. That pisses me off. That’s why I’m sitting here scowling. You know I was super convinced that all I had to do was just live my life like regular, do my “own thing” and I would feel better about it. Like the stink would fade away, but because everything about him stinks to high heaven it hasn’t. I find myself angrier now than before.

Sometimes I want to cut the throat of something with that green knife in my purse, but then I realize how psycho that sounds and surely convince myself not to believe I would actually do something of that nature. It’s just the “anger” talking, just my imagination becoming wild.

Shut up.

You talk too much, you bitch too much and you endlessly meddle in thoughts about a man who doesn’t even deserve the fuss.

Cut it out.

I know you’re mad, I know you want to crush something with your bare hands, I know you want to cry sometimes, and I know you can’t bring yourself to muster up the tears. It’s okay.

Itโ€™s okay, I know, and you’re right…

It hasn’t been long enough so you feel like it’s not working. You’re worried that you’re worried and he isn’t. You haven’t waited long enough. The point is eventually you won’t care if he does.

Though, eventually he will wonder too. Eventually he will give in to the temptation. He always has before. You’re going to have to keep yourself busy, just for you it takes a lot because, well…

You aren’t easy. You aren’t an easy gal to please.

You have to stay busy intellectually, physically, and emotionally all the time and some people aren’t wired that way. Your satisfaction is just like your metabolism and somehow you have to maintain. So relax…

You’ve got the pig soaking. The dishes are done. You got the Tupperware you needed. You’re cute. ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘ˆ๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ‘ˆ๐Ÿฝ You got this girl.

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