Entry 21 Part II: No Explanation, No Nothing

You think this merits for an entry, huh? Surely this would make for a great story. Guy wants girl, girl’s unsure, girl falls for guy.

That guy couldn’t give a damn and kept it moving.

(Long exhale)

I have literally told no one about what happened in my car yesterday. I think why I’ve stalled so long to write something about this is because once this is legible, once I can read it… When other people can read it…

***

Yesterday, has become one of the worst moments of my entire life and I have NEVER felt so humiliated.

I’ve been suffocated under a well-played, deceitful, theatrical number for months. Big🐗Bear🌵🌟 lied to me so many times. I had even told him, in the past, that if he did not want “this kind of life” then he needed to stop dating me. And although he was offered MULTIPLE chances to stop, he held onto me and I proceeded to date the guy until I was ultimately treated like a used up acquaintance.

I told him that our friendship wasn’t real, because it wasn’t. What he did to me, friends do not do to each other. True to his role, he was offended by my statement.

I told Big🐗Bear🌵🌟that no one would love him the way that I did. I told him only I will care to understand his flaws, because I understand what motivates him. I told him I made love to him like no else ever will. I told him his boring friends with boring wives, they WISH their wives were as sexy as a stripper, they WISH. I told him the people he’s involved with, the close-knit-apple-pie people, they get boring. I told him that he knew that, because I know that he does.

I told him I am one of the very few women who has a whole lot more to offer than a suburban-style marriage. Whatever f**k-a-maymie reason they get married: cause their friends are, cause she’s always wanted to, for the ring, for the party, whatever.

That is not what I’m looking for with you Big🐗Bear🌵🌟, and you know that. I want you cause I want you. You added value to my life, and I loved you for it. I am the only person he will ever meet that would love him like I would, and I suppose that doesn’t say much.

We all love differently.

But with Big🐗Bear🌵🌟 love was better. He wasn’t a part of the plan. I hate that I just happened to fall in love with someone that did not love me back. I know now, he does not care.

I can’t understand the reason why he did so many of the things he did. Why? Was that game? Perhaps it was, and he’s good. He knew how to make me really give everything to him. He knew the right questions to ask. And you’ve always known that… haven’t you? 😒😒😒😒😑😑😑 One of Big🐗Bear🌵🌟’s million dollar lines.

Why did he give me the key to his home and why did he have mine? Why did he do my laundry when I wasn’t even home? Why did he gift me knives and bottles? Why did he gift me a thousand dollars? Why did he ask me to stop dancing? Why did he bring up having children? Why did he always show up? Why did he always answer my call? Why did he care at all?

I had to trick him into admitting the truth, I had to set him up to say it.

I know what you want, you want a relationship. I do not want a relationship.

He said that to me. He told me he didn’t want to have to make the effort. He told me, his hands in the air,

“I guess that shows just how selfish I am, I just don’t want to have to deal with it.”

Okay then….

If that’s how you felt, why did you continue faking a relationship with me for so long? I would have preferred not keeping my Big🐗Bear🌵🌟 around if he felt like that…

I thought this was because of me… Because of my past, because of my child, because I don’t have the time.

Why didn’t he tell me?

He made me look like a fool. THAT is why our relationship, our “friendship” was fake, and him pretending he doesn’t understand that, does nothing but piss me off.

 

I don’t care what anybody says, even that dumb-ass guy. You DO NOT do or say the kind of things Big🐗Bear🌵🌟 said to me UNLESS you are serious about someone. Unless, there was something there.

***

It makes no sense and you have to accept that you will never understand why that guy did the things that he did. There was no conscious motive, no explanation, no nothing.

Emptiness.

I am sorry Rina P…

I am sorry this happened to you… And I’m so sorry you don’t feel the “lesson learned” from this yet, but soon you will. It won’t hurt you anymore. You will barely blink an eye.

I promise.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s