Entry 25: Golden Bear

diary

Sometimes he would call me “Golden Bear“. When he first called me that his eyebrows rose so high up into his hairline that I was obligated to rise mine back. Big🐗Bear🌵🌟had a knack for teaching me many things, and many were about myself.

I honestly will admit that I have something about me that is volatile. I remember when Big🐗Bear🌵🌟 told me I was violent, I was taken aback that he said it. And the moment I realized what he said I remember the thud in my chest, like a sonic boom.

I believed him.

My whole life, I have never wanted to admit to myself that I am violent, that I have a powerful rage. Something that’s been writhing in my chest since I was small, I have grown to even keep that from myself as a secret. I was astounded that someone else was aware of my secret, aware of a suppressed trait about me that I hadn’t even wanted to believe about myself. I was astounded that now because he knew that, and I knew it too, and because I trusted him, I was okay with it. Big🐗Bear🌵🌟 struggled with it too inside. And in his empathy I could believe it now. We both suffered this.

Believing him gave me permission to submit. A submission to accept something not as my fault, but as a fundamental aspect of me. I felt “allowed” to have an issue. I felt relieved enough the judgement disapaited, it was no longer a suffering.  That itself was empowering.

I am “Golden Bear“.

***

 I am angry, angry, ANGRY and my anger is consuming who I am. I am not myself. Everything about Big🐗Bear🌵🌟 is a poison now, a sickness.

Look how poisoned you have become. Now you are both sick, but your sicknesses are individual and apart. You cannot help his ailment, and he cannot heal yours. You have to let it go. No love should hurt this badly. You have to let go of him.

***

The other night I listened to my friend Chris go on, and on, and on about this woman.

Talking about if he ‘wrote her a letter today it would reach her by this time’ and he ‘would tell her this, this, and this’, and maybe she would call him, and he would ‘take her things here’ and maybe the time would make her ‘feel this way, maybe that’, and….

It made me smile to listen to that. I grinned to myself while he stilled in his agony.

His concern, it was comforting. That pillow of soft trust, that melting into your heart. I don’t know if that woman was aware of it, but it was real. My friend is in love with that woman, and my friend Chris ironically sounded like myself. It reassured me that it wasn’t too far-fetched.

***

It’s okay that you fell in love Rina…

It’s okay… It sucks…

(Deep breath)

I find myself asking my friends strange questions now. Does a man know when he’s in love?

One friend told me no, he told me the chance was only “maybe”. Maybe if his eyes were open. He told me that often times men were blinded and don’t see it. That they [men] can be manipulated by the dumbest of things…

***

…  I am not telling you to hold onto hope that Big🐗Bear🌵🌟 will come back to you or any soppy fairy-tale ending. Maybe you’re set on not being convinced.

I’m telling you to hold onto hope that one day someone will see it. I am telling you that everyday you are more close than far to absolving this hole in your heart. All you have to do until then Rina P is…

Well, baby. Live your life.

To you, Big🐗Bear🌵🌟loved you, you two were lovers. He noticed so many things about you you started to notice things about yourself…  And you are blessed to have experienced that, and no one [NO ONE] can take that away from you. You know what you felt, and it felt like magic 🌚🌞🔮 …

…and now life continues on.

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