Entry 27: A Beautiful Man

I love the way you love your friends. You either genuinely like to bitch or genuinely like to boast. Your concern for your friends is quite romantic. I envy them. Your friends look up to you, even the ones who have more than you do. They want your reassurance on just about everything, even if they know they’ll get your scalding first. They’re willing to deal with your quick temper, because in the end you’re a good man. You have a good head on your shoulders. You are a big bear to more people than just me you know.

I love the things that you know. The numbers, the years, the dates, the specifics you take the time to pay attention to. The history, the land, the skills of a man from another time. Your memory astounds me, your concepts build the profile of a man who can be the expert, the teacher, a role model. You set a par for others to look up to because of your willingness to progress. You have an insight that gives you a distinct perception and empathy lest you let it. Your concepts are unique Big 🐗Bear🌵✨ and you should value the permeability of them. Your ability to be agreeable.

I love what seeps into your personal life, I love to feel it from you. All details of Big 🐗Bear🌵✨ spills over, unconstrained. I am biased because I only know of my personal relationship with you, but I notice those things when we’re together. You are kind, fair, and caring. With me, you take a subtle backseat, not alike a servant, but as a king with a queen in his lap. You’re always the man tipping his hat and I appreciate that about you.

I heard someone today speak of how God was perfect and because God was perfect he wanted to strive to be more godly because that gave him hope, that inspired him to change. To me… My view on God now is skewed from the regular belief. I believe my initial connection to Him is an echo of yours. The reason I say this is because your mental struggle will morph. You will pilfer through a million routes to escape the villain in yourself.

God is not what I would describe as perfect. He exhibits jealousy, wrath, anger. We are told of how He kills and takes away. Curiously He is the one who adds, and can show us paths to love and hope. God just IS. He is what He ever intended to be, and we accept it, we are encouraged to believe it. So maybe that is what signifies one being “perfect”. Everything that could encompass a being is the good and not so good things, the being of who you are.

You are not good at choosing your battles. You have trouble regulating the more volatile sides of yourself. You have trouble choosing what’s worth a fight and what isn’t. I know this because I see you fight with it and I see you struggle. Unfortunately, sometimes I see you give up. The simplicity of you is as misconceiving as a deep pool. I see you drown as you tread along the surface.

You and I both happen to think and value the same things. Yet, as we have realized through our communication, we dive differently into the pool. You compliment me because you are different, and I compliment you in the same. This awareness is proof that there is a comfort in being offbeat. You and I, them and all those, he and she, we are all different baby. Perfection is to acknowledge our faults, whatever they may be. Acknowledge the unhappiness we stumble into, the ruts we wallow in. Our suffering is endured far above the bottom. Our suffering is above us, our suffering is the willingness to change.

I know the rage you speak of. You limit your happiness by setting caps. Your efficiency can become your downfall, because your true happiness won’t come from paying off your debt, or numbing your would-be woes. Your happiness will flow from your ability to master yourself, to swim deeply into that pool.  You must release the beast in order to find its cage.

I wrote once as a note to myself: “I need you to tell me my fears aren’t real, and you need me to tell you your fears aren’t either.” I was saying that to you, because sometimes you’re my backbone. You lift me up, I stand a little taller. With you I realize I feel a little more loved. I wish I could do that for you. I wish you could do that for yourself, and I hope one day you see it.

My whole point in writing this is because it bothers me more that you don’t love yourself before I would ever worry about your love for me. Let go of your fight Big 🐗Bear🌵✨, because it’s all in your head, you’re just a little bit crazy. There’s an endless supply of great things I could choose from to love you for. I say buckle down and choose a couple for yourself, choose some now and later, and more after that. I say choose some of those and dive with it, dive deep into that pool.

 

 

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